This is an exercise I use a lot in my workshops. It’s not only a great workshop exercise but also excellent as a regular practice for deepening any relationship. It takes 20 to 30 minutes and is set up to allow each person time to express themselves and be really heard. The beauty of the process is that a safe space is created for the speaker because the listener is not allowed to respond and must remain listening in silent empathy.
First time you do it you may find it hard to keep complete attention (when listening) or to find things to express (when speaking). Second time, you will probably find both easier. Third time, you’ll may start to experience the incredible transformative power of complete, non-judgemental attention with another human being.
Used as regular relationship practice, the process builds deeper and deeper layers of connection, trust and mutual understanding. If you choose to build it into your life as a regular practice with, for example, your intimate partner, then I would recommend at least weekly, though you could even make it a daily practice. My personal preference is to do this 2 or 3 times a week with my intimate partner. It can also be very effective as ‘one-off’ to help resolve a conflict with someone because it allows both sides to express freely.
All it requires is a quiet place, a person with whom you have a relationship (partner, friend, family member, colleague), a mutual willingness to do it and … a timer (one that makes a sound when the time is over). I’d like to take credit for the exercise but I couldn’t do so and keep my integrity intact. I’ve seen it used by several trainers and believe it’s been adapted by NVC trainers from a standard marriage counselling process. I don’t really know where it first came from but I’m grateful nevertheless.
The Exercise
Find a quiet time and place and remove all possible disturbances such as phones etc.. Sit facing each other at a comfortable distance and in a relaxed position.
Decide who will start (Person A) and set the timer for 10 minutes.
- Person A talk for 10 minutes – share whatever is alive and comes up for you. Whatever comes is ok – there is no right or wrong. These could be random thoughts, current situation between you and B, hopes, dreams, fears. Do NOT cut the time if you run out of things to say. If nothing comes – then hold the silence until something does.
- Person B listen in complete silence and attention. Listen for what is alive in A, the observations, feelings and needs.There is nothing to give except complete attention and this is a great gift. Notice if your attention drifts to your own thoughts or judgements .. and gently bring it back to A. It is most important that you say nothing .. including non-verbals.
When the timer sounds … set it for another 10 minutes and repeat with person B now speaking and A listening.
Variations
Here a few adaptations you might try:
- Increase the time to 15 minutes each
- Add a 5 minute space after the two parts to give a chance to share and exchange how it was
- Do the exercise outside in nature
- Do the exercise while walking side by side.
Why does it work?
I find this a deceptively simple exercise that works because of the silent space and attention we are offered by our partner.
It is hard for most of us to fully express ourselves when we know we will hear a reaction.
Requiring the listener to stay silent gives more freedom to say what is really going on for us. In ‘normal’ conversation, when we speak there is a part of us wondering how the other person is reacting and how we will deal with it. This is especially true when what we express is painful to us or we imagine it might be painful for the other to hear. We may be faced with a defensive reaction or an aggressive response. We may be faced with sympathy (’Oh, how terrible!’) or advice or an attempt to ‘fix-the-problem’. All this guess work interferes with our self connection and self expression.
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Hello,
I was introduced to this exercise in a mindful communication class. The first time I did this exercise I found it to be a very healing experience to just be listened to without being interrupted (something I rarely experience with my family). However the next week when I tried with a different partner I had a very different experience. He went first and I listened to him in silence, with attention, as he covered a few different topics, including what he had been doing that day. Then it was my turn, and I began by talking about how I had been rushing to get to the class and was overwhelmed by the number of people on the street (I live out of town), and how I had got lost and ended up in a multi-storey car park and how I had found the lights really bright and uncomfortable, and during this time my partner was looking really bored, I then went on to recount a misunderstanding I had had with my cousin by email. Following the exercise we had a minute or two to feedback to each other how the exercise was for us, and I remarked that I hadn’t found it particularly healing and that he had looked bored, to which he said “Yes, I was feeling bored. I was hoping you would move on to something more interesting.” We then went back to the group and he passed on to them that I had remarked on his looking bored but that he had felt that it was honest and necessary to say that he was.
I felt a bit cheated that I had been denied being listened to, but I also acknowledge that it is important to know who finds our company boring and conversely to know which people enjoy our company, and I admit that the topics I chose to talk about weren’t very deep or personal, since I didn’t know my partner very well and didn’t trust him enough to open up to him.
My partner felt that it was important to acknowledge his feelings during the exercise, but I felt that he had already had attention focussed on him during the first half of the exercise, so in the second half I would have liked the focus to be on me.
So this left me with a question, is it a good thing to acknowledge how you are feeling while listening to the other person?
You write in the description that the listener should try to give the speaker their full attention and listen for what is important to the speaker, which in my case, mundane though it sounds, was that being in the city was a little overwhelming for me and being under the neon lights in the car park was really uncomfortable for me because I prefer more natural settings. And you write that it is important not to give out even non-verbal reactions while listening.
It didn’t help that the person I was partnered with the second time was an assistant on the course, so I didn’t feel able to contradict him.
Perhaps my experience was just an example of how people are not perfect, even when they have qualifications after their name, and perhaps if I had had more time to feedback I could have used NVC to explain how I felt about his comment.
Ayesha
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with this exercise. Sounds like you were really able to experience the power of it .. both when you received it fully with the first partner and then able to contrast it when you didn’t get the quality of empathy with the second partner.
You shared a lot .. and I’m drawn to comment in particular on the second time you did this exercise.
When I’m listening to someone with full attention and empathy then it is completely irrelevant to me if the other person is talking about something I’m interested in or not – or whether I judge what they are talking about to be deep or not. When my attention is focused this way then there is no room in my consciousness for these thoughts because I am fully with you. And as you described from your first experience, this is a very powerful (and healing) connection.
So I am not surprised you thought you were ‘cheated’ by not getting this quality of listening. And to my mind, if someone is offering empathy and also wanting you to talk about an interesting topic then they are confused about what empathy is.
However .. this quality of empathy is very hard to master for many people (myself included). I find this exercise really helpful as a way to improve my empathy by noticing what goes on in me while I’m listening. In the spirit of learning I may well notice that I’ve lost interest, or what you are saying are bringing some reactions in me. This is a clue to me that I’ve lost empathic connection … and is part of my learning journey. Sharing that with you (in the debrief .. not during the exercise itself) would be my way of helping us both learn. I’ve often experienced loss of connection for a moment .. and when debriefing the exercise I learn the speaker also noticed that moment and the feedback is always helpful.
Thank you again for sharing!
Ian